I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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