Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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