Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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