I could make wine with my vomit
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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