WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Alive.
So much puke
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
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