Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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