i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
They are going to name an STD after you.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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