happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
