just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
