she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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