Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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