I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
