I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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