When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
