But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
