You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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