matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
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