i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
