i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
