New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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