Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
