How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
