You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
