I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
