Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
