He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
