apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
