I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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