Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
