he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
