Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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