I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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