Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
