Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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