I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
