i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
