every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
