The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
