can we get nightvision for the apartment?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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