made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
