I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
