Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
