: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
