You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
