My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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