I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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