I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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