Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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