i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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