Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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