So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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