i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
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