I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
