Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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