I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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