the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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