If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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