I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize