Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
